


Everything Stays (Right Where You Left It)

by Andromedabrown



Series: Everything stays [1]
Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Ableist Language, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Any T-cesters that even breathe on this will have their knees and elbows swapped, Blood, Gen, Guilt, Gun Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Its more like Schrodinger's turtles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: e02e04b Repairin' the Baron, Post-Episode: s02e01 Many Unhappy Returns, Self-Hatred, Since its sainw, Stabbing, Survivor Guilt, The major characters death are complicated, Time Travel, Vomiting, When i remember them, internalized ableism, sainw au, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:09:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25502641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andromedabrown/pseuds/Andromedabrown
Summary: After being missing for nearly two weeks, Leo finally returned, But his mind remained stuck in the pastor more accurately, The future
Relationships: April O'Neil/Sunita (TMNT), Casey Jones/April O'Neil (TMNT), Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael & Splinter (TMNT), Donatello & Leonardo & Michelangelo & Raphael (TMNT), Leonardo & April O'Neil (TMNT), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Everything stays [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889872
Comments: 19
Kudos: 104





	1. Let's go in the garden

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give humungous shoutout to Ithekay(https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithekay/pseuds/Ithekay)  
> They beta-read this for me and were an immense help
> 
> in case it gets confusing, The stuff that's all in italics at the end is a flashback

Mikey opened the fridge again, with the absurd notion that maybe if he looked in there a third time there might be something appealing. A part of him knew the effort was a waste, even if he found something, he was sure he wouldn't be able to stomach it, but at least it meant he was doing something.

Which, you know, was more than he can say about the past eleven days.

It had started off with a trip to the hidden city like most things do. While one could easily spend weeks just going to every destination on the map, the brothers had decided to go somewhere off the map. It wasn't as hard to decide where to go, since finding the secret locations in the hidden city was actually the easy part. See, most of the uncharted territories in the hidden city had challenges, and their destination- the hidden abyss- was rumored to have a pretty awesome artifact hidden in its depths.

The plus side was that the deeper you go; the more mystic abilities and weapons are amplified. Unfortunately, the plus side was also the downside as their weapon’s mystic abilities became too powerful to use efficiently so they had to stick with just using the basic weapons on their own. The only one unbothered by this was Donnie but that was to be expected, Mikey on the other hand was starting to feel uneasy without the mystic kick that he had gotten so used to.

They had been traveling for about six increasingly boring hours when they had gotten into a brawl with some very unfriendly Mystic snakes, who didn't exactly appreciate them disturbing their sleep. One of the snakes had managed to take a bite out of his arm, while it wasn't enough to take a chunk out, it still left behind a nasty wound and he had to be sidelined for the rest of the fight. Leo’s satchel had run out of gauze, so he was forced to wait until he could portal them home to get more medical attention.

Ultimately, they were forced to flee, something in the hidden abyss made portals too unstable to safely take them out of the sprawling maze of a dungeon that they were essentially trapped in and believe him when he says they tried, or rather, Leo had tried. In hindsight, it was probably a stupid thing to forget but Mikey was pretty sure they had a good excuse with all the creatures crawling around the place.

Once they got a bit closer to the entrance, Leo tried once again to create a portal, hoping at this depth they would be more stable. Mikey’s arm was looking pretty bad at this point, already bleeding through the little gauze they had, so the stakes were raised. He drew a circle in the air with his sword, but the portal It made was…unsettling. It was its usual blue colour, but the edges flickered and glitched every few seconds.

“Uh, Leo?” Donnie tilted his head, Examining the distorted portal “I Don’t think it’s stabl-“

He might as have been talking to a brick wall because Leo had already gone through, before they could even think of following the portal snapped shut behind him, and well, there went their quick exit.

But it became clear that was going to be the least of their problems when every attempt to call Leo's phone failed to connect.

The fact he wasn't home when they got there is what really set the alarm bells off though, and when Donnie tried tracking his phone, he didn't appear to be anywhere on the planet.

For the better of the past eleven days, Mikey was stuck in the infirmary out of necessity and Donnie was holed up in his lab out of choice, Raph acting as a messenger between the two. He said that Donnie was pretty sure his phone didn't just break but he still had no idea where Leo was.

Even after he was able to leave the infirmary, there wasn't much Mikey could do, Donnie was the only one that could help Leo right now. He hated feeling useless and unproductive, especially when one of his brothers were in danger. He knew Raph did as well if his twitchy demeanor didn't immediately give that away. The mutual anxiety shared by his family only grew as the days went on.

After another fruitless search through the fridge, Mikey sighed and settled for just grabbing a can of soda, deciding to head back to his room for the night. He was just about to pull back the curtain when the sound of metal clattering to the ground reached his ears. He was about to dismiss it as just Donnie dropping something when he heard shouting; distant as it travelled through the various twists and turns of the lair.

"-eo!"

Mikey didn't even notice he began running before he was already outside the kitchen.

And there he was; His mask was pulled down to his neck and his sword was laying on the ground, as were the shattered pieces of Donnie's favorite coffee mug, Raph and Donnie were already there in the kitchen, standing in front of Leo, gaping in disbelief. But there was something about the scene, no, about Leo that made Mikey feel uneasy.

"Where have you been?" He brushed past his stock-still brothers and placed his hands on Leo's shoulders. He shook him lightly, confirming that this was not in fact a dream, his voice cracked slightly upon the realization. "Are you hurt?"

He took a closer look at Leo and the source of his unease became clear; Leo's expression was blank. Where Leo always greeted them with a warm smile that lit up the room, he simply stared right through them, no smile, no sounds- was he even breathing?- like they weren't even there. Raph was beside him still trying to get a response but nothing he was saying seemed to register to Leo.

"Why isn't he saying anything?" He turned to his left where Donnie was standing.

Instead of answering him, Donnie got closer and waved a hand in front of Leo's face, "Nardo, Are you with u-"

Mikey could barely blink before all three of them were pulled into a crushing hug. Leo started laughing, a wet chuckle that came out was almost a sob if only a little less wet, the line between the two was further blurred when Mikey felt his left shoulder get damp with tears.

Mikey swallowed against the lump in his throat. "Leo?" He asked, more than a little unsettled at this point.

"....I'm fine..... I just," He took a shuddering breath, clinging tighter to his brothers,"..I just...really missed you guys."

* * *

_A loud thud echoed through the sewers as Leo unceremoniously face planted onto the floor with a short yelp. The cyan portal overhead closed while he dizzily sat up and rubbed the back of his head._

_Okay, he thought, He probably could have aimed that better._

_He opened his eyes before blinking a couple of times to comprehend what he was seeing. The lair, their home, was completely trashed. They had only been gone for a half a day, but the state of the lair was more akin to a demolished haunted house than a home. The lack of a blue light told him that his portal had closed, and a quick glance confirmed that he was the only one who made it through._

_Leo let out a short string of curses that would… well it probably wouldn’t phase a sailor but would definitely get him grounded for a week, and that was if he was lucky; Leo ignored the ringing in his ears and made a hasty round around the lair._

_“Hello?” He cupped his hands around his mouth and called out into sewers, not quite able to smooth out the shakiness of his voice” Dad?” The name pointlessly bounced off the halls of the empty and utterly destroyed lair._

_He looped back around to Donnie's lab, before he cautiously pulled back the curtain and stepped into the lab, just like the rest of the lair it looked like a hurricane had sneezed on it. Leo crouched down and balanced on the balls of his feet, picking up a tiny piece of rubble and grinding it between his fingertips. Not only had the lair been trashed, it had also been ransacked; The usual bits and bobs that were scattered around the lab were now eerily gone, as were most of Donnie's priceless inventions. That ruled out the possibility of an earthquake, but Leo was pretty sure they would have noticed an earthquake happening even if they were in the hidden city._

_“Man, Dee is gonna freak.” He muttered to himself, belatedly realising that he probably will not be the only one freaking out, their home was in shambles after all. He stood up and wiped the surprisingly thick amount of dust on his thighs before checking out the rest of the rooms, which much like the rest of the lair, wasn’t much to write home about and more importantly didn’t show any trace of his father._

_It took several minutes of prying with his sword for the manhole cover that lead to the surface to open; if it were even possible, the condition of New York surprised him more than a dilapidated lair ever could. The landscape was scorched, and the streets were empty, the usual lively chatter and distant hum of cars passing by was gone, replaced with a low artificial buzz, coming from nowhere, yet everywhere at the same time, its silence almost deafening in comparison._

_Well, this wasnt the worst fever dream he’s ever had but it was definitely up there._

_His thoughts and inner ramblings were interrupted by the alarming number of footsteps heading in his direction. He turned around to see about a dozen figures who seemed to be cloaked in literal shadows, if that was possible, with both traditional ninja weapons and, more worryingly, guns._

_“Drop your weapon!” the… person? closest to Leo barked, their voice garbled and raspy and it would have been difficult to decipher if they weren't screaming in his face. Though the gun pointed at his head probably would have gotten the message across on its own anyway. "Get your hands where I can see them!"_

_Not willing to risk a bullet in between the eyes, even if this was most likely a fever dream; Leo grasped the hilt of his sword and weighed his options. But the choice was made for him when the one of the ninjas on the left got a shuriken to the throat, collapsing onto the road, their body crumbling into dust upon impact._

_Then, all hell broke loose._

_Leo quickly hid behind a nearby building, glancing around the corner at the anarchy. The newcomer was being fired at by the shadow ninjas but for every shot they fired, their numbers dwindled. The figure leaped off the shoulders of who he assumed to be the leader and snapped their neck off, dust pluming out in the place of a blood._

_Wait, not dust, paper?_

_The last origami ninja crumbled onto road and the street was once again quiet save for the ever-present low buzz. Leo gingerly stepped back onto the road, squinting his eyes as the almost not existent light made it quite the challenge to make out the lone victor._

_“Mikey?”_

_He turned around, his eyes narrowing in the dark. He took a couple of steps forward which allowed Leo to see him more clearly. Leo’s mouth snapped shut and while whatever he planned on saying died in his throat. However, his brother had no trouble finding his voice._

_“So…. it’s really you, you came back."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's go in the garden, you'll find something waiting


	2. My own reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw minor interalized ableism

Leo face planted onto his mattress, smothering his face for a few seconds, before maneuvering himself to stare at the ceiling of his room. 

It felt so good to be back home; it’d been a week or so since he last saw the lair, and he forgot just how much the colours popped out at him. He had grown accustomed to the bleak future of desolate greys, and scorched blacks marring the whites and cement cool greys of old city buildings, deserted decades before his arrival. It was almost too much at first, but he adjusted to the bright neon graffitis sprayed across the halls of the lair quickly enough. The scent of home was also welcomed, though overwhelming at first, it became a comfort and reassurance that he was back where he belonged, and not in an upside down world where his family was nowhere to be found. 

He was so relieved that when his brother’s asked where he’d disappeared off to, he almost let slip the horrors he had seen in the future- if that was their future anyways- he could never imagine this family he was stood with right now ever growing apart, or d-

“Portal jacked,” He replied instead, unwilling to let his brothers know what he saw, it was better off forgotten anyway- there was no way he was disappearing anytime soon.

And yeah, it wasn’t the most creative lie in the world, but it was enough for his family to buy into, which was more important than whatever words came out of his mouth.

His room was exactly the same as it was when he’d left it, the Jupiter Jim poster on the right of his bed, being constantly glared on by the red paper lantern that hung too low- he’d already hit his head against the light too many times to count. The shelf of action figurines from all the different franchises he’d found himself in the years- Astro boy, pokemon and of course, Jupiter Jim- were the set pieces in his room, each struck a pose that actively challenged their opponents and the tumultuous journeys and perils ahead of them.

The family pictures of his brothers and Splinter, and of course, April, was just under the large Jupiter Jim poster, where he’d find himself staring at yet another night of insomnia; A comfort and reassurance that he was home, especially after a rough mission. His collection of books and comics were pushed against the wall, on top was yet another rack held all the other framed photos- but he only remembered they existed every yearly spring cleaning, when he had to sweep the thick layer of dust off the frames, in contrast to his neatly kept action figures, that he could practically see his reflection through, those things he’d admire almost every day. 

He’d forgotten to put down his gear when he flopped onto his bed, but still made no move to take it off, too exhausted by the ordeal to even bother getting up again, even if he should have.  
  


After the week of back-to-back action and stress, he was glad to finally be back home- where he could be himself and just let loose, without having any fears that a small mistake could be a death sentence. He could let Raph and Donnie handle all the important things- they were the oldest, so they had to be responsible, they could take charge while he could finally sit back and relax. What would Leo do next? He would decide later, for now he’d take this opportunity to finally get a good night’s sleep.

He was a fool to think he could just pass out without any problems, he shut his eyes, but the grim future he saw would play on loop in his mind. The wretched future felt so different in from reality; while his home was full of many vibrant colours, neon greens and pinks- the splash of red, blue and orange decorating almost every wall, the only one that popped out in his memories was red- and it’s source wasn’t the dyes or pigments either- it was crimson blood, stark against the concrete, most had turn brown- it had been multiple decades after all, but he would occasionally see the scarlett red along the streets, and he’d tried to convince himself was Mikey’s paint but to no avail, as his mind would wonder who had gotten hurt on the very road he stood on- who had died there-he flipped himself to try and distract himself from the all too detailed visions he was forced to watch behind his eyes, but it did him no good.  
  
**It’s fine** , he assured himself, even then, his inner monologue sounded slightly shrill and hysterical, **I just have to remind myself that I’m home-** He really should have expected that the scenes would keep flashing anyway, just like in theatres; movies never waited for any late-comers or washroom-goers, nor could they listen to the audience’s reactions- the scenes pre recorded regardless of fan appeal.

He repeated the same line of thought, even when his pulse quickened with every clip that was displayed on the screen of his mind.

**Stop it, it’s over now** , he’d remind himself over and over, each time more forceful than the last- but it was a futile effort, the memories wouldn’t stop pouring in, and he was going to drown in their intensity and volume, a tidal wave of red overcoming his suddenly small size.

He knew long before he admitted it: It was never gonna be over, even when he returned to back home.

  
  
  
  


\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_As they stepped through the purple and orange portal, the landscape shifted from the scorched metropolitan to an ashen countryside. He could imagine the golden field of wheat and barley that could have once grown here, but it had been taken over with weeds, each rising to his mid chest, tickling him even as he stood silently for Mikey to do something. His brother said nothing, he just started walking forward with the instruction to follow loud and clear._

_Leo worked on autopilot, retreating back into his mind to swallow- well_ everything _._

**_30 years_ **

_A part of him was still anticipating the rug to be pulled out from under him, that he was just hallucinating- that maybe he was missing something or that this was just one big elaborate set up._

_But that wouldn't explain Mikey looking so old; or his missing an arm._

_Maybe he was just in denial, it was hard to refute the idea when New York had become a ghost town. The only answer he received when he asked where all the humans went was that they were “gone”. But that could mean too many things, a mass migration, a massacre, a natural disaster so bad that it made humans decide: we can’t live here anymore._

_The eerie buzzing noise got quieter as they got further away from New York, but it never truly stopped. The fields were still barren and dry, and he was already bored with the bleak looking scenery. He looked further past the fields, to find a road or some trees, maybe some ley lines- but anything of the sort seemed miles away from where they walked. Leo just wanted to know where they were going- well that was a lie, there were hundred things Leo wanted to know, mainly where Donnie, Raph and April were, but their destination would be nice to know. All Mikey had told him was that he was taking him to see their dad._

_His mind was hung up on Mikey’s words from earlier when he had arrived in this strange dimme- future._

_“Where the hell have you been all these years?!”_

_Leo was still stuck on how his younger brother had lost half his arm, the snake bite wasn’t that bad, was it? With only a quick glance, Leo could tell that Mikey was stronger, and somehow, older and taller- he almost loomed over him, but Leo knew that couldn’t be right, after all, Mikey was their baby brother who they often teased for his small height. This Mikey looked more experienced, more tired, something only achieved after years of encounters with deadly opponents, whereas the one he was familiar with only started fighting among them that year. Somehow, Leo could tell that Mikey had some sort of authority, a leader of some sort- and he felt the peculiarity of the situation hit him again, because that was and wasn’t the little brother he knew._

_Even still, he felt concern wash over him- because regardless who exactly the stranger was, he was still Mikey, and that was reason enough for him to be worried over his well being. He would have asked how he’d gotten those scars but a more pressing question had to be answered first._

_“What years?” He forced out a teasing grin through the confusion of the accusation and Mikey’s new appearance, “Weren’t we just in that cave? I don’t know the name… definitely a Hidden something… Hidden Dungeon? Nah, it was probably called something better like Hidden Abyss-” Mikey’s expression grew more incredulous with each word he spoke, as if he couldn’t believe what Leo was talking about, but that was ridiculous, they were in the Hidden City just a moments ago- they should have gone out with him but-_

_“You’ve been gone for over thirty years, Leo.” Mikey almost screamed, “We thought you were dead!”_

_Even though Leo knew Mikey’s mood could change drastically, he still didn’t expect him to shout at him, much less sound like he was being strangled. Leo had no clue how to react, he just stood there helplessly going over the scenarios of what he could possibly say to remedy Mikey’s anger, or at least calm him down to have a proper conversation, rather than the one-sided interrogation it felt like._

_His previous anger fell away suddenly, like a small flame doused in gallons of water, giving way to betrayal and sorrow, perhaps even a hint of grief that he never truly got over._

_”How could you just abandon us like that?”_

_He still had no clue what Mikey was talking about, but the accusations broke his heart regardless. It wasn’t the first time he’d been accused of abandoning his brothers, he remembered all too well the last time he had was when he left with Dad to get the collar from Big Mama a few months ago._ _  
_ _  
_ _“Come on, do you really think I would do something like that?” He tried for verbal reassurance, but it fell flat. Mikey glaring at him with such intensity made him feel the urgency to apologise and make amends all the more important._

_  
_ _So Leo shifted to attempt giving Mikey a hug, but as he approached Mikey flinched, hard. His attempt at comfort stopped immediately, fearful that he had somehow offended or triggered him. It was just so instinctual to give his brother the physical reassurance with hugs and headpats, he just did it without thinking, but it was another difference that Leo had catalogued into his growing list of changes in this strange maybe, maybe not future he had landed in._

_Mikey inspected Leo, scrutinising him from head to toe, with an uncanny resemblance to Donnie, an action the Mikey he was familiar with definitely wouldn’t have done. He shifted awkwardly for Mikey to complete whatever assessment he had in his head, before the furrowed eyebrows relaxed, though his beak was still set in a frown._

_Leo expected Mikey to address him, but instead, he had to bear with the terse silence for a few more suffocating seconds as he stood there nervous for some sort of confirmation. Mikey stayed quiet, a distant look forming on his face, pondering a question Leo had no way of knowing, but thankfully he didn’t need to wait too long for Mikey to respond to him._

_“We can’t stay here,” He threw a small circle onto the ground, creating a portal “C’mon, I’m taking you to Dad.”_

_Leo’s thoughts were interrupted by a branch swinging back to hit him in the face, Mikey’s eyes were cold and focused on the horizon, always looking over his shoulder as if he was expecting to get ambushed suddenly._

_“So, when did the paper ninjas get so, not inept?”_

_“When the Shredder took over.”_

_Leo stopped in his tracks._

_“Wha- how? Isn’t he just a mindless beast?”_

_Mikey turned back to him and sighed._

_“He was,” a brief look of remembrance appeared for a second, but it was shut down just as quickly. “It’ll make more sense when we get to the base.”_

_“Are Donnie and Raph there?”_

_Mikey scoffed._

_“Yeah you’ll see them around,” but the words carried a tone of scorn and resentment he wasn’t expecting._

_”Come on you can’t just say stuff like that and not follow up!” Leo whined, though he was curious about what Mikey meant._

_“After you disappeared, everything just fell apart,” Leo expected some sort of vague hand gesture, but Mikey’s arm was practically glued to his side, like a soldier, wary to telegraph anything to the enemy. “We were a quartet, we just didn’t work as a trio.”_

_“Guess we really needed that adaptability of yours”_

**_Huh_ ** _, Leo thought, they never seemed to need anything from him before. They were always capable enough to handle themselves, especially under Raph’s_ ~~_mother-henning_~~ _guidance, Raph was the muscle, Donnie was the brains, Mikey was the optimism- the only thing he could have brought to the table was a little humor, but even then, they didn’t like his jokes, heck Donnie made a shock collar for that exact purpose of shutting him up._

_He always wished to have a place in the team- to contribute as a member, but now? He didn’t want it at all, that would mean_ he _was at fault for his brothers fall out- and he hated that. He imagined many times when he’d finally realise_ his _role in the team, but not like this, never like this._

_Fate was never kind to Leo._

_He wanted to go home, to know with certainty that this was just a sick joke played on him, that there was no ruined future, there was no ruined New York; much less a ruined lair, or an older Mikey, so unfamiliar to him. For the first time, but not the last, he was hit with a sense of longing for_ **his** _brothers,_ ** _his_** _family,_ ** _his_** _life- because whatever future this was- he knew from the moment Mikey told him that the family had grown distant, that this could_ never _be his home, because he couldn't live in a world without his brothers the way they already were, they couldn’t- because there was no world where his brothers fell apart._

_He bumped into the older Mikey, who had stopped in his tracks._

_“We’re here.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All this time, I've been trying to run away from my own reality


	3. Hold onto this lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW Blood, gore and internalized ableism(minor)

They were stuck in a room, Leo wasn’t sure how they got there, but he knew it was his fault.

The small space felt suffocating and way too isolating, Leo felt completely on edge as he looked around at the bare walls that contained them. The room was completely sparse, aside from its inhabitants and a single, solitary door on the left wall.

His body was shaking and he could feel the bile rise in his throat, a wet blanket of danger hung heavy on both him and his siblings. Time seemed to blend together in their prison cell; past, present and future existed within seconds of each other. Every time he blinked his old and shell-shocked siblings would flicker back to their youthful, bright-eyed selves, and then back again when he closed his eyes once more.

Leo placed his left hand on the ground next to him to lean on, while he lifted his right one up to his face when he felt something squish under its weight. Insect viscera coated his left hand- mixing together with the blood already dripping off it. He gazed at the crushed butterfly by his feet with numb indifference. The creature twitched before a disgusting tearing noise filled the room, it’s back burst open and a moth dredged its way out from the carcass, like a maggot out of an infected wound. It flapped its wings, shaking off the blood and ooze, before taking flight and positioning itself in the middle of the ceiling, looming over the family.

Leo didn’t feel like putting his hands on anything anytime soon. The blood and ooze still stuck to his hand, with not much to distract himself from it, he looked towards his brothers.

His baby brother was covered in bullet wounds and deep-way too deep slashes. He didn’t seem to even feel it, but he knew that the wounds were definitely there. His eyes were wide with an emotion Leo couldn't decipher, mouthing words Leo couldn't hear.

**What did you try to say?**

Mikey stood closer to the door than the other dwellers of the room, further away from the rest of the family. When he switched to his younger self his right arm would reach towards the door, then disappear when he switched back. He finally grabbed the door handle with his right hand, swinging the door open, and behind the door was nothing but neon purple flames; it was the only way out of the room but Leo was more terrified of it than anything else in his life. Before he could even realise what Mikey was doing, he had already walked through the doorway and out of sight.

The door shut behind him.

With nothing else to do, Leo turned to Raph.

**What do we do?**

Mikey was gone, the threat was still there- There was no time to process anything, time wouldn’t allow for it- and yet, time was frozen still, taking him with it and the only thing he could feel was cold and numb freezing over his body. He continued staring helplessly at his older brother.

**What do I do Raph?**

Raph just looked in the direction of the door, his expression resigned and tired. Raph's vision came and went with every blink between young and old, but no matter which version of him it was, the slice across his throat continued to bleed onto the floor. Raph didn't even try to stop the bleeding, Leo knew he probably couldn't if he tried. Leo blinked and his brother was suddenly at the door.

**Please, not you too.**

He opened the door and walked through the flames on the other side.

Four turtles, three, now down to two. Leo’s gaze turned to Donnie this time. 

Donnie sat on the ground facing away from Leo and April, scattered on the ground were pieces of metal, painted purple and mangled. There were several trinkets among the pieces, including an old photograph. There was also what remained of a cushion-soaked in blood. Donnie continued to fiddle with the device in his hands with increased desperation. The skeleton of his battle shell weighed heavily on his shoulders, it's purpose made null and void with the gaping tear in its middle, exposing a bloody mess of viscera and bone.

The device fell to the ground, shattering into a hundred pieces.

Donnie looked shocked for a second before he sighed. He stared at the door- sometimes with one eye, sometimes with two, before he stood up and grabbed the handle. Leo tried to cry out to him, to beg him not to leave but no sound left his mouth.

Leo blinked and his brother was gone, along with the door.

Now it was down to Leo and April. He hesitantly looked towards her, fearful of what  **she** would do, would she leave him too? She was staring at him in such remorse, for a crime she didn’t commit, her body language was perfectly calm and resigned, poised in a too-perfect manner; it was a lie, Leo knew that, after all, he was the king of lies. She wasn’t breaking down because she wouldn’t let herself fall apart, but even then Leo wondered what was going through his sister’s head.

He blinked and she was suddenly right in front of him holding out a hand for him to take.

  
  


Before he could consider his options, he felt something- someone pull him back. He tried with all his might, violently fighting against the pull, but whoever was dragging him wasn’t letting him go so easily.

**I can’t leave yet, not without saying anything!**

He turned around and was met with the sight of another Leo towering over him, a large shadow fell onto him, his  **two** long blue mask tails waved in the non-existent wind- stark and bright against the white walls of the room. The other him had no expression, no personality, no resolve behind their eyes; distant and transient, they felt ageless and new at the same time, and Leo felt terror grip him as he tried pleading with them silently for mercy. Their hands and feet were wrapped in black bandages and their markings glowed, dim in comparison to the cyan portal behind both of them. 

Leo couldn’t even turn back to face his sister before he was pulled through the portal.

He opened his eyes as he felt air brushing past him, he was being hoisted off the ground- or the lack thereof- by his neck. The Grand Nexus Hotel rooftop, grey and dirty, collecting dust ever since the building had been claimed by time and bloody conflict. 

He looked up from the too-barren city streets, empty of cars, the neon lights left turned on from beneath him flickered, running on the last of its lifespan. Instead of another him, he was being held over the hundreds of floors by the Shredder. His metallic lips pulled words straight from his memory:

**“You are the last of your kind Leonardo.”**

And just like that, the Shredder let go, and then he was falling, plummeting towards the ground that came closer- and closer and he knew that this time he wasn’t going to be caught-

Leo opened his eyes.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The whistling of the kettle blended in with the white noise filling the kitchen- or maybe it was only in his head, it was getting harder to separate both of them.

Leo sat in his usual seat at the dining table, in his sleepy haze he left behind his phone charging by his bedside. It was too early for him to care about the phone, or anything in the present time, he was simply: tired. But his mind had other plans as it could somehow find the energy to start analysing and overthinking, as it usually did.

It wasn't the first time Leo had given up on sleep, and he would bet all the money in his room that it wouldn’t be the last time. You see his brain had this “fun” little habit of not shutting the hell up, but when he actually managed to sleep he would be out of it till next July.

At least, that was before the nightmares started. He already had a whole lifetime’s worth of insomnia that kept him from a good sleep cycle and blissful sleep he had always craved, but with the nightmares of last week plaguing him in every dream, his restful slumbers were cut into short, restless naps. Sure, he wasn’t immune to night terrors before, but now, it was  **every single night** , and it had already been a week to fully process and settle back into his normal life. But yet he couldn’t, not in awareness, and definitely not in his supposedly tranquil dreams.

It was a good thing that he had yet to cry out in his sleep, the last thing he needed was to wake his family up with his dumb night terrors. His brain was being irrational,  **if** it even was the future, he'd already come back- so he'd already prevented it from ever happening. He shouldn't be having nightmares over things that haven't and won't happen at all.

Half the time, the dreams contents weren’t even that scary and yet more often than not he woke up, taut rubber band, just a tug away from snapping, unable to breathe even as he felt his chest move shallowly up and down. His pulse would deafen him and it would take him a good ten minutes just to calm down enough to start breathing again. 

Maybe he should get Donnie to soundproof the entire lair, that way when he eventually woke up screaming no one would notice.

“Mind if I join you?” Splinter’s voice suddenly halted his train of thought.

“Huh?” Leo was startled, but quickly recomposed himself, “Yeah sure, I’m making tea.”

“I can see that.” Splinter said, he looked a little bashful as he did.

“Guess I do it often enough, huh.” Leo idly commented.

“No the kettle has been whistling for two minutes, I think I might go deaf.”

“Oh.” It took awhile for him to register what his dad had said, but when he did he immediately scrambled up from his seat to turn it off, nearly knocking it down in the process. 

**Nice one genius, starting the kettle at three in the morning.**

It was a miracle he hadn’t noticed earlier, the sound was so sharp and piercing he could have woken up the city that never sleeps. With his family’s sensitive hearing, he was surprised only Splinter had come to the kitchen.

“Whoops,” He forced out sheepishly, hand scratching the back of his head. “Green or jasmine?”   
  
“Green please, jasmine’s too sweet for me.” 

The still shaken Leo took a little too much effort to pour the tea, his mind seemed to like overthinking all his embarrassing actions on repeat. It didn’t take him long to prepare the tea and serve a cup to his father. The teas were slightly burned as the water was left over the stove for too long, but Leo was content with the unusually bitter leaf-water, lying to himself that it just added another layer of flavour to the beverage. Splinter had a different opinion judging by his knee-jerk cringe after he sipped the tea, but the expression left his face just as quickly.

“So…” He started, but Splinter trailed off, as Leo settled back into his chair. He didn’t continue, leaving the words hanging up in the air, giving Leo the perfect opportunity to branch away by asking a completely unrelated question. 

“Read any books lately?” He finished for him, the look of distaste returned, this time with the umami taste of confusion, but at least it distracted him from the embarrassment from earlier. He didn’t really want to have a sobering conversation this late at night- early in the morning? Who knows, but the debate had to take place sometime else. He was going to treasure every opportunity he had with Dad. 

“Blue, it is too early for this,” Splinter chastised, “...Nightmare?”

Leo set down the warm cup of tea, making it sure it was a safe distance away when he buried his face into his arms, muttering something about mind-reading parents. “What makes you say that?” He eventually ground out. 

“Oh no reason,” Splinter said sarcastically, “Hmm, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that you’re up at 4am?” 

Leo cringed again, what was with him today? He couldn’t even process basic social cues- man he really missed his bed. “Yeah…” he admitted, eyes staring at the wall on the left instead of his father.

“Want to talk about it?” Splinter offered, and Leo reacted with awkward hesitancy. Most teens don’t talk to their dads about their nightmares, but he wouldn’t- couldn’t talk to his brothers about them either. Dad was good at listening, it would be fine.

“I was just dreaming about last week.” He admitted.

Half truths were always easier to sell than flat out lies.

“What about it?” Splinter inquired further.

“I mean… being portal jacked and all, that wasn’t fun.” He stopped to take a breath and quickly fabricated a story that seemed somewhat believable. It shouldn’t be that difficult considering their lives were filled with unexpected twists and turns.

“I mean, they kept me locked up in some dingy cage! And when I finally got out I was attacked? Then there was another group of pirates who said that they wanted to sell me at some black market-place because I was exotic!” He ranted without missing a beat, “And my sword was still with the other pirates. So I was stuck with nothing and I spent an entire week running around until I could get my sword and portal back home!”

He sagged his shoulders, relaxing his arms that were frantically moving about just seconds ago. “I guess it was just the feeling of always being on edge and… being so hyper-aware of your surroundings ‘cuz anything could happen without warning. I didn’t really have anyone to be there for me too, only some strangers who’d take pity on me.” That felt surprisingly honest as he let it out, even if it wasn’t the whole truth. He finally looked back up to Splinter, who was frowning at him worriedly, crap, he went overboard didn’t he? Time to steer the conversation away from emotions.    
  


“Like, c’mon man, I know I’m priceless, but being sold as a collector's edition isn't all that exciting as I thought it would be.”

Splinter exhaled into his tea, looking more wistful and older than he looked on a normal day. “Expectations don’t always meet reality.” He sighed, “I regret chasing my childhood dream sometimes.”

“No way…” Leo gasped, “But didn’t you want to be an actor? But! But then we wouldn’t have any Lou Jitsu movies to binge! Dad, how could you do that to us, to me?” The genuine shock made a smooth transition to more attempts at bad humour, which earned him yet another tired groan.

Sensing that Leo would run around the topic with even more bad puns if he tried to continue, Splinter saved himself from the pain of having to listen to them and let Leo have it his way this once and avoided asking more about what had happened.

“If you want I can fix your mask.” He offered instead.

Leo tensed, his hand shot up for his mask and immediately tightened his grasp on the torn cloth. “No, it’s fine, it just adds a little personality, that’s all.” He tried to play it off light-heartedly, but he was doing a bad job at covering it up. 

“Blue, does this have to do with what the pirates did to you last week?” Sensing the unease in the topic, he tried to prod a little deeper, there were still some obvious holes in his story that Splinter felt the need to address, he was his father after all, he had the right to be concerned for him.

“Yeah, yeah, you caught me.” He laughed awkwardly, still hanging on to the lie, while his brain raced to find a reason to hold onto the mask. Why would he hold onto the mask though? Leo wasn’t sure himself, but he just couldn’t bear the thought of parting with it.

“Nah, it’s just a little reminder for me to be more careful next time.” It wasn’t a lie, but his tone got uncharacteristically serious, his face grimaced a little. Splinter’s expression got him to change gears yet again, trying in vain to hang onto the little lie he’d built up. “Plus stitching would only make it more noticeable, it’s really not worth the effort. Thanks for asking though.” He waved away the offer.

The conversation ended curtly, and both of them were frozen by the heavy tension, silent in the uneasy atmosphere. They weren’t getting anywhere just drinking tea and staring at each other, so Splinter tried again at a conversation, calling back to the previous discussion of Leo’s week.

“Blue, it’s okay to talk about these types of things.” Splinter finally said after much contemplation. Leo reached out for his tea again to sip at it, adamantly looking away from his father’s gaze, his hand clenching the cup a little harder than necessary. 

“Yeah, I know that.” 

“Blue, if there’s anything I’ve learned in all my years of life,” Splinter tried again, “It’s that sometimes we don’t always do what we like. Sometimes life just… isn’t what we imagine to be, and we sometimes have regrets. That’s... life.” 

Leo looked down at his green tea again, Dad’s regrets were never as bad as his, nor were Raph’s, Donnie’s, or Mikey’s, no, his mistakes were far more costly than what they could have made. He could never take back what he did, he couldn’t bring back time to do it all over again, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to attempt it again, he would probably just find a way to make things worse anyway. His hand fidgeted with the cloth, the rough feeling of dirt made his stomach churn, guilt lapping internally again. He stops rubbing the cloth then, hesitantly letting go of the cloth to put his left hand down under the table, clenching it tight enough to hurt. He was supposed to stop clinging onto the cloth- the past, but yet here he was unable to move on. 

“Nah, I’m thinking about the future, not the past.” He gave a rueful smile to his father, because it was technically the truth, just not the one he would have expected. “I’m just worried that maybe Raph, Donnie and Mikey might have to go through the same thing I did.” 

Another half truth; he knew that they would never experience what happened to him, what was the likelihood that any of them would stumble into the future anyways? Practically zero. But his mind couldn’t help but wonder what if it was capable Raph, or smart Donnie, heck even optimistic Mikey who found themselves in the future. What would they have done better than him? His list was long for each of his brothers. He didn't even want to think about them going through what  **they** did.

“They aren’t coming back though, already captured by the Hidden City police.” He was quick to reassure his father.

It felt clear to Splinter that this conversation wasn’t really going anywhere, but even then he didn’t really know how to make Leo understand the life lesson he was trying to teach him or get him to open up about what had actually happened. He sighed, downing the rest of the tea.

“I’m going to bed, you should too.” Splinter got up from his seat, placing the cup into the sink. Leo stared in silence as he watched his father head towards the door.

“And Blue?” Splinter turned around just as he was about to leave, “You know that I am here if you ever need to talk about these things, you know where to find me.”

Leo didn’t respond, just watched quietly as he walked away. 

His gaze fell back onto the half empty cup of green tea, feeling significantly colder than it should have been. His distorted reflection stared back at him, his red markings like an accusation, for what? He didn’t know. Now that he was alone, his thoughts could attack him without distraction from Splinter’s presence, reminding him why he was awake in the first place. 

Yeah, he was definitely not getting back to sleep any time soon.

_ \------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _

_ Leo gripped at the grass, barely containing the ugly feelings threatening to spill out from within him. _

_ As if things couldn’t get worse. _

_ “We didn’t have anything to bury, but he deserved a grave.” Mikey said, paying no mind to his kneeling brother. _

_ Dad couldn’t die, he was still so young! Despite how he looked, he hadn’t even spent enough time with him- for all of them to spend with him. That and he was the great Lou Jitsu, who survived in the battle nexus for years, battle after battle, he couldn’t be defeated so easily, in fact, Leo doubted he could be defeated at all, unless overwhelmed by numbers. His head was swept up in thoughts of denial, though he logically knew that everyone died eventually, he somehow just couldn’t accept that his dad, his family died, and he didn’t think he’d ever want to accept it. _

_ “How?” His voice shook. _

_ Mikey’s eyes were shut tight, chest expanded, he was paying his respects, Leo realised, but didn’t move to do the same.  _

_ “The foot clan found the lair, our dads stayed to buy us time to escape.” Mikey’s reply was clipped and direct, unlike the storyteller he’d always known him to be. _

_ Leo guessed he meant Draxum, perhaps that meant that he had come around, enough for all of them to accept him to be family. The idea seemed bizarre to him, but it wasn’t his place to judge what happened in the future- past. _

_ “We tried to save him but we failed, the Shredder took his soul.” _

_ “How did that even happen?” His voice still quivered, but it was more stable than before.  _

_ “Don’t want to talk about it.” Mikey replied curtly _

_ “And Draxum?” _

_ “Slaughtered.”  _

_ “Care to elaborate...?” _

_ “Made an example of.” He stated simply. _

_ Leo didn’t know anything about the new Shredder, the one who was sentient enough to rule an army, capable of burning down New York to the ground, absently he wonders if Senor Hueso and his customers were okay. And silently prayed that the Hidden City remained untouched by all this surface world nonsense. _

**_How did things get so bad, this can’t be our- my reality, can it?_ **

_ Mikey saw the conflict on Leo’s face, the denial and the anguish mixing together to form an ugly expression on his face.  _

_ “It’s disrespectful ya’know.” He idly commented as he finished paying his respects, turning to face the kneeling Leo properly. Leo wondered just how many tragedies had this Mikey seen in this messed up reality; he seemed so nonchalant about it, and there Leo was, dealing with his first death, panicking from all the shock and stress from whatever horrid dimension he’d found himself in. Whoever thought Time and Fate were fair mistresses was a fool. _

_ Leo wiped at his eyes. _

_ “You know, this wasn’t exactly where I imagined us in 30 years.” he sniffled. _

_ “There’s not much you can do about it.” Mikey seemed resigned, it put a bitter taste in Leo’s mouth, he never imagined that Mikey of all people would say that. _

_ “All you can do is get by on what you have. That’s the way it is.” _

_ “When did you accept that?” Leo tried, hoping to somehow reach the Mikey that he knew, “C’mon man, why so pessimistic? Cheer up a little, the world isn’t all bad, is it? _

_ “It isn’t too late, to start believing! Just need a ‘lil enthusiasm and there it goes!” His hands made bombastic actions, but even he knew he was lying to himself. “It isn't too late to stop him!” _

_ Mikey sighed, his expression told him that he was tired of Leo’s pep talk, especially when it was accompanied with the expressive movements, as if talking to a child. Leo couldn’t help falling onto old habits, how else was he supposed to treat Mikey now? Like a general? An older brother? _

_ “You act as if we haven’t tried that before.” Was his flat reply. _

_ Leo let a smile spread on his face, his eyes still red and puffy. _

_ “Well then, millionth time’s a charm.” His voice climbed back to its usual octaves, maybe a little higher, but it was better than the meek whimper it was just before. _

_ Leo stood up giving a last glance towards the grave, before turning his back to it, facing the horizon.  _

_ “Where to next?” _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold onto this lullaby, even when the music's gone


	4. Eyes like yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for interalised ableism

  
“Why am I always in jail.” Mikey whined.    
  


“Seems like you’re just unlucky today Mikey!” Raph laughed good-naturedly, the rest of them joined in too, though Leo wasn’t really paying attention. 

It seemed it was one of those kinds of days, when the ringing in his head was hard to drown out and the effort to do so was even harder, the continued attempt making him drained and spacey.

“C’mon, c’mon,” Raph whispered to the dice he was shaking between his hands, “be a six, be a six.”

“You might get better chances if you just threw the dice?” Donnie interrupted, receiving a pointed glare from Raph, though he rolled the dice out of his palm.

He wasn’t really paying attention to the game, and his brothers voices were easy to tune out, the words and pictures on the monopoly board blurred as Leo got increasingly absorbed by his thoughts.

Leo wondered if it was really the best decision to keep his experience from them. It was so tiring to think of lies, and even harder to build more lies upon each other without the whole thing falling apart. Was it really worth it to play the joker when he was struggling so badly? 

Before, he didn’t tell them because he simply wanted to forget all about the future and them knowing meant that the memories wouldn't die. Later, it was that he had built up such a strong lie, a lie so intricate that he was reluctant to let it crash and burn. But now- he just didn’t think he had the courage to look them in the eyes and tell them what he’d done.

‘Cause they had  **actually** trusted him, they had placed their faith in him when he didn't even know what he was doing.

**And what had he done in return? He led them on a suicide mission, that’s what he did.**

He supposed he could tell April, her future self was still around when he had left, he hadn’t gotten her killed.

**No, but you just abandoned her.**

He didn't tell her that he was leaving, he just disappeared without any notion,  **again** . He wondered if it even mattered- If that version of her even existed anymore or if it that future collapsed the second he returned home.

And he would never know because he sure as hell wasn’t going back to that future. His sword acting up probably had something to do with the special properties of the Hidden Abyss, which they wouldn’t be returning to any time soon, if ever. 

Apart from that, he couldn’t get his Hamato Ninpo thing he’d learned in the future to work, it’d felt so real, so tangible. The rush of power and the warmth of family thrumming in his veins- but he couldn’t access it anymore, maybe whatever mystic mojo he found there was closed off to him after his departure.

It wasn’t like they would believe him anyway, he could picture the incredulous look in their eyes at the notion that he somehow managed to break the fabric of time itself. It just wasn’t plausible by human means, and while it did leave the chance that yokai alchemy or some sort of magic could have done so, it was still highly improbable. It just wasn’t something that anyone could believe unless they saw it themselves. 

Leo vaguely registers the loud shouting from his family, April cheering loudly, maybe at a victory or lucky draw as well as the collective groans from his brothers. She makes a ‘come here’ motion, and he sees three different hands hand coloured cash into her open hand, while he stares blankly at nothing.

He was too distracted to realise that they were waiting for him to pay up as well. He saw more blurry movements, but didn’t react even as it got closer to his face, or when they had become silent.

“...eo? Leo?” A hand was waved in his face, he snapped back to reality for just a moment.

“Yeah?” He replied, still not really aware of what he was expected to do, if at all. Did he really zone out that bad?

“It’s your turn,” Mikey removed his hand from his view, though his voice was obviously concerned for his dazed brother. Leo’s vision refocused onto the rest of his family’s furrowed eyebrows and concerned grimaces, he screwed up somehow. 

“Yeah, just thinking about something,” it obviously wasn’t enough to reassure his brothers as they looked at each other with doubtful expressions but he continued anyway. “I’m kinda thirsty, it’s been a while since we drank anything.” 

“You guys want a drink? Any refills or…?” He asked, already standing up to stretch his arms, rolling their worry off his shoulders. He wasn’t oblivious to the hesitation before they replied.

“Soda?” April suggested, Raph and Donnie nodded in agreement afterwards.

“Hmm… I’ll take a cup of hot chocolate.” Mikey requested.

“Angelo, hot chocolate is a breakfast food!”

“Not to me it isn’t, I can drink hot chocolate whenever I want.” He argued petulantly

“So… that’s four sodas and a hot chocolate.” Leo mimed writing it down on a notepad. “Okay so now stay here as I go get you guys some drinks, I’ll be back in no time.”

He hesitated for some reason, feet stuck in place. 

“Ya want me to come with?” Mikey offered, the concern directed at him made his heart pang for no reason, he didn’t stand there for that long, did he?

“Nah, I’ll be fine, no worries. I’m just gonna- yep I’m just gonna head out-” He points his finger guns as he backs out, unintentionally backing into the wall behind him. He winced, embarrassed, but he continued shooting them finger guns as he turned around, forehead scrunching up.

He turned the corner, and let out a heavy sigh. He resisted the urge to drag his palm across his face. He did however slide down across the wall as quietly as he could, looking up to the ceiling. 

What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he just enjoy one night with his brothers? Let whatever happened just, disappear from his mind? Why couldn’t he brush all this off for one night and just- just, he didn’t know, put on a smile? Have fun? Why did he have to make life harder for himself?

He took another second to kick those thoughts out of his mind. He was fine, he could still have fun, he just needs to compose himself for a moment.

He could hear his brothers around the corner, while he couldn’t make out any words, he could tell that their voices were tinged with worry, but it faded out quickly enough, replaced with laughter. Good, they shouldn’t worry about him, there was nothing to worry about, he was fine.

Leo let out another exhale. He was fine.

Get up, turn around, go into the kitchen and serve up some drinks. Simple. 

He could do this.

He operated like a machine, movements stiff and mechanical, his mind was elsewhere; preoccupied with the mantra replaying in his mind.

  
He was fine. He could do this. It’s a simple task, just don’t mess it up.

All he had to do was: walk to the fridge, open the door- this is simple. A simple task, impossible to mess up. 

Just- stop stalling and get up.

He finally got his muscles to cooperate, shakily leaning against the wall for support. Just move, it was just walking- just moving your two feet toward your intended destination, simple, easy- thoughtless even. 

He stumbled into the kitchen, legs not cooperating as well as he’d like to. He managed anyway, mindlessly opening the fridge door and uselessly scanning around for the soda bottle. It took him about three looks before he finally grabbed it from the side of the fridge door, but by then the fridge was beeping loudly. Great, just another sound to catalogue in his brain.

The soda bottles were placed on the counter as he searched for the glasses. He took a step back to scan the familiar kitchen, glass bottles… glass bottles would be in the cabinet. Where was the cabinet… right, right it’s above the kitchen counter. He pulled himself towards the kitchen counter again, tiredly sighing as he reached up for the glasses. 

How many glasses should he take? Who wanted what again? Leo couldn’t remember, but he took five anyway. It was only a few seconds ago, how could he have forgotten such basic information? He really was feeling off tonight. Was it really a good idea to continue game night with them?

He chided himself for thinking that, it was just game night, just an opportunity to hang out with his brothers and sister, to relieve stress. Ironically it was making him even more distressed, but it was fine, he was fine, it’s just one night anyway, it couldn’t be that bad. 

What was he doing again? Oh yeah, taking glasses. He needed to get his game on and just focus, stop getting distracted by aimless questions. 

Take the glasses, pour the drinks and return to the living room. Simple instruction, so follow it. 

And he did, in an inattentive manner. Five glasses of soda- wait was he even supposed to give them soda in glasses? It was too late to pour the sodas into new cups, they’d start wondering where he’d been. He can’t have that happening. How long had it been since he left anyway? A minute? Five? Ten? He didn’t know anymore, time felt so distant from where he stood.

He had to get back- but he was missing something. He already had drinks, what else could he need? The feeling kept nagging though, unwilling to let him move from where he stood, instead he just stared into the glasses placed innocently on the counter. What was he missing?

Heavy steps registered in his mind, but he was too out of it to consciously process that someone was approaching him. He was missing straws- that’s it.

“What’s the hold up?”   
  
Leo snapped up from the kitchen counter, he made sure to make eye contact even when he knew Raph couldn’t look ba-

He gasped, but even before he could blink or say anything, the image was gone and his brother stood there, youthful as he’d always been. He tensed despite knowing that the split-second image was nothing he should be afraid of, yet he was still haunted by the flash of scars that marred his brother's skin. 

He felt the irregular heart palpitations drowning out most of his thoughts, fear lingering in his body even as he tried to calm down with deep breaths. 

He was getting drinks, Leo started reminding himself, he was in April’s house, it was game night. He was here, he was present. So he should act like he was too.

Continue looking forwards, into- past vacant Raph’s eyes. Raph’s face was contorting, his concerned grimace shifting into a worried frown. 

And crap, he was taking too long to respond.

Leo plastered a smile on before he grabbed his drink off the counter. “I couldn’t find the straws.”

Raph still looked troubled though, his expression wasn’t convincing then. “Ya sure?”

“Yep!” Leo reassured, already making his way out of the kitchen. “Now help me carry the drinks out.”

  
Raph looked a little confused, by what? He wouldn’t know, he probably was better off not knowing, he had enough thoughts and white noise in his mind to begin with. 

He quickened his steps, if Raph was here, he must have taken too long, he can’t worry any more of them, lest they start asking him questions. He was supposed to be fine- he is fine, he had to be.

“Your drinks?” He posed dramatically in the doorway.

“That’s only two drinks.” Donnie stated boredly.

“Yeah Raph’s helping me bring out the rest.” He said as he gave April and Mikey each a glass.

Mikey looked confused at the glass he was given, but shot him a grateful look anyways. Leo must have forgotten something then, did he ask for something else? He couldn’t remember if he did- but he must have, why couldn’t he remember? It was such an easy order- he should have been able to remember-

He plopped himself back in his original space, but instead of sitting cross-legged like he was earlier he stretched himself out, laying down with his plastron pressed to the floor. It’d be easier to hide his expressions if need be. He looked to the ground in front of him, black cards sat innocently at his place, they must have decided to change the game without him then.

“So… what are we playing now?” Leo asked.

“Leo, I know you can read.” Donnie said tiredly as Raph came in with three drinks in his hand. “So read.”

He couldn’t though. He stared at the cards in the neat stack, at the white letters on black, but he couldn’t read the words. He had to focus- he had to read. He couldn’t.

“Humour me anyway.” Leo stated, covering his struggle.

Donnie sighed, clearly annoyed with Leo. It meant that he didn’t suspect anything though- since there was no concern in his tone.

“It’s UNO.” Mikey answered for him.

“Oh.” He paused, noting everyone’s raised cards. “Can I pick up my cards?”

“What do you think?” Donnie quirked an eyebrow, his voice seemed to lack the annoyance from just a few seconds ago, instead he got the feeling that he was getting suspicious of him. Leo drew in a long breath of air, picking his cards off the ground, he hoped that it wasn’t too obvious to his brothers lest they start nagging at him.

He peeked at the cards he was dealt, involuntarily letting out a huff, no way he’d lose this round. 

“Getting cocky already Leo?” April teased, “We’ll see who’s hand is better.”

“We’ll see.” He replied, the familiar pull of an over confident smirk stretching his face. There was no way that any of them had a hand better than him. 

“Who’s starting this time?” Raph asked, “Youngest to oldest?”

“Sounds good to me!” Mikey cheered, slapping a yellow coloured four card onto the floor. “Your turn, Leo!”

Leo dropped a blue four on top of the yellow card, it was too soon to reveal the tricks up his metaphorical sleeves.

Donnie pulled a wild card, making sure that everyone could see its multicoloured face clearly before depositing it onto the two cards. 

“Isn’t it a little early for a wild card?” Raph questioned.

“But where’s the fun in that? One must take risks to truly enjoy the game.” The theatre kid in Donnie always loved to come out during game night. “Red, then.”

Raph placed a two card of his signature colour on the pile, April adding her red six card onto the pool soon after.

Mikey hummed for a while eventually dishing out a skip card. Leo groaned, but it went unnoticed as Donnie triumphantly gave his red Draw 2 on the stack. 

It started a long line of draw 2s within the circle as one by one everybody gave up their draw 2s to the pile, looping back to Donnie, who had no choice but to draw 10 out of the stack. 

“Alas, all my efforts have circled back to haunt me.” He sighed dramatically. The family laughed at his antics, and Donnie dropped his theatrical facade to laugh with them too.

The game started again as they remembered to breathe again, Raph chucked out a card onto the pile of different coloured cards.

“C’mon, a skip?” April whined, “I have so many cards left!” 

“Sorry April, it’s nothing personal, I promise!” Raph put his other hand up to mimic a surrender sign.

“We’ll see about that next round,” April muttered under her breath, yet it was loud enough for the family to hear.

The game continued with vigor and the iconic part of game night started. _Shouting_ _and accusations_.

He was swept away by the competitive spirit of the game, and for the first time he was able to slip into that feeling of home, warmth- comfort. The room felt a little smaller, but not suffocating, the lights were a bit brighter, like warm sunshine on his skin. For the first time in those few weeks, he laughed; He laughed because he wanted to, because he was having fun and for that small period of time, nothing mattered outside their little family.

But his mind as it was, seemed to always conspire against him during moments like these. He wouldn’t be able to live without his brothers, he wouldn’t be able to happiness and contentment like he did now. It came to a startling realisation that…

He needed his brothers to feel like himself.

During those moments afterwards, after that horrid- He felt so lost, so empty even if he said that he was alright. He could begrudgingly admit that sometimes he clinged too hard to his denial to cope. How would he live without his family? Would he be happy? Could he be?   
  
Cold seeped back into his bones, and the game they were playing didn’t really seem all that appealing anymore. He hugged his knees tight towards his chest, setting his cards face-down onto the floor. The whooping and gasps of mock offense became background noise again, slipping back into muffled, unrecognisable words.

He needed to be able to move on, even now, weeks from when he last left the future, why did he still feel so out of place? Leo had to move on, had to be able to do something,  _ anything _ without needing his brothers to be there. He had to be stronger than this, he had to be able to deal without his brothers, otherwise he’d continue holding them back because they always had to stop and wait for him to catch up. 

The room was still filled with chatter and triumph, teasing grins and lilting voices, but instead of the euphoria that came as game night progress, he was left feeling empty and paradoxically, lonely.

Maybe it was a sign that he had to stop being so dependent on others to make up for his own short-comings. He’d always been so sure that while his family were not infallible, they were unstoppable when it really mattered. But, maybe that was a childish opinion, the universe didn’t seem to care what moments were deemed important to him, and lately, he’d been feeling that maybe, the universe actively took away what he did deem important.

And it wasn’t like they had lost, far from it, the future had been freed from the dark armour permanently, but the victory he had been able to secure was a pyrrhic one.  **He** was the one that couldn't pull through when it really mattered,

And just maybe, it was time for him to change that.

**\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

  
  
  
  


_ They’d been walking for a whole hour, since then, he’d only really seen more fields of grass and not much else. Why couldn’t he just use his portals to get them there? It would have taken much less effort, and definitely much less walking. _

_ “Here we are.” _

_ Oh finally, he was about to request a break, though he wasn’t sure Mikey would have allowed it. He looked around in the empty field, devoid of buildings, withering crops shadowed by the abundance of weeds, taking over the entire area. _

_ Was an empty clearing all they had left? _

_ “You’re gonna have to close your eyes for a second.” _

_ “Why, can’t trust your own brother?” Leo joked, but it didn’t reach his eyes.  _

_ “No, it’s just how it works,” Mikey replied, his voice curt. “Just follow my lead and you won’t end up walking into a wall, I’ll even hold your hand.”  _

_ “Nah I’m pretty sure I can do it myself,” Leo said, “I mean, it’s not going to be that hard to find, I could totally do it with my eyes closed.” _

_ His brother looked tired but amused at the same time.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Go ahead then,” Mikey finally agreed after a bit of staring, “let’s see if you can find it. No mystic weapons, that’d give our position away.” _

_ Leo was disappointed that he couldn’t use his prized odachi as he usually did, but he didn’t complain. Instead, he rubbed his hands together, expression set into concentrated determination.  _

_ “I got this!” _

_ He squatted down to put his palm on the ground, dragging his fingers against as he crawled forwards. It was a large area of land, surely there would be a better marker of the entrance, it wasn’t like they could remember exactly which  _ **_strand_ ** _ of grass they were supposed to pull, or a rock they had to kick out of place. Despite what his intuition told him he continues to brush his hand on the rough ground, as if its texture would give him answers. _

_ He did so until his thighs started to hurt from the stretch of squatting down. He stood up to shake the soreness off them, kicking a rock in the process. Leo spun on his heel and looked to Mikey, still standing expectantly on the edge of the clearing. He hated the look, but he had to admit that he had no clue what he was doing, and needed a  _ **_bit_ ** _ of help.  _

_ “Mikey?” He called out, “Would you be so kind as to give a hint for your poor brother?” _

_ “Sure, just close your eyes and take ten steps back!” Mikey yelled across the clearing. Why would he close his eyes when he was already going to walk backwards? It made no sense to him but he did as he was told, he didn’t want to annoy his brother any more than he already had.  _

_  
_ _ One step, two steps. _

_ “So how does this base look like anyway?” He shouted to Mikey who was moving towards him if the sound of rustling grass was anything to go by. Well, it could be an animal, but come to think of it, Leo hadn’t seen a single creature since he came to the future.  _

_ Three steps, four. _

_ “You’ll know when you see it, just continue walking backwards.” _

_ His eyes remained shut, as he remembered seeing no buildings for miles of wheat and grain. There was no trapdoor, no suspicious patch of land, no bunker or ladder to climb down. Yeah, he would totally know when he’d reach the building, he thought sarcastically. _

_ Five, six, seven. _

_ “Is a description really that hard to give?” _

_ Eight, nine, t- _

_ On the last step he felt his balance shift awkwardly as he stumbled on a rock, sending him slamming back onto a hard surface, one that was not there a second ago. _

_ “Owww..” He groaned, the confusion yet to set in. When it finally registered that he had hit a wall, his eyes had snapped open to see: _

_ Nothing. _ _  
  
_

_ There were ten paces worth of grass and then, nothing; complete darkness. The air was sickeningly still, it somehow felt even more stagnant than the lair, and their home was a  _ **_sewer_ ** _.  _

_ For The first time since he arrived in this future, he couldn't hear the buzzing, instead his ears were filled with a high pitched ringing. The noise was unbearable, it was intrusive and loud, impossible to ignore, it made it hard to think at all as he continued to stare into the void in shock. _

_ Leo wondered if the ringing could possibly be a result of a concussion or him hitting his head on the wall but it wasn’t the same, the sound was more external and consuming than the usual ring. _

_ Mikey popped out from the void, the familiar orange bringing him out of his trance. It was odd, his appearance wasn't gradual, there wasn't any warning or step in, he simply popped into existence when he entered. _

_ "You good?" _

_ Leo somehow stumbles backwards despite his position, hitting the wall again. "Yeah! Yeah... just, surprised." _

_ "You'll get used to it," Mikey said, turning around. _

_  
_ _ He wasn’t sure he wanted to get used to looking at the void, it felt awfully morbid. Where was the field they were at earlier? Where had it gone? The moment he fell it was almost like he fell into another dimension, one trapped in a little bubble containing whatever building he’d found himself leaning on. _

_ "Where are we?" Leo asked. _

_ "Home sweet home," was Mikey's sarcastic reply. _

_ Leo scrambled to stand, following after Mikey to enter the… factory? It looked like a factory but with them being so close up, he couldn’t really be sure. Mikey casually through the door, making a beeline straight towards... he wasn’t sure, instead he took the time to absorb his surroundings, the ceiling was stories high, white, sterile walls and pipes crawled over the walls. Leo continues to follow Mikey, staring in awe at the foreign location, and the apparent presence of both yokai and humans. _

_ He winced as he bumped into Mikey, who had stopped short in front of him. Mikey shot him a glare, but turned back to the front just as quickly. Leo shrinks on himself, but eventually takes a peek forwards to see who they had met with. _

_ “I’d love to see you take a guess at who I found.” Mikey said snarkily, the human sighed, turning around to address him. _

_ “You know how I feel about guessing games-” they stopped abruptly. _

_ The woman narrowed her eyes at him, stepping away from the cluttered table towards the duo. Mikey took a side step, making a wide gesture, as if presenting his presence to her. Now that Mikey wasn’t in front of her, he could properly see who exactly Mikey had been talking to. She looked familiar in a way Leo couldn’t place, it was something about her appearance, or her voice.  _

_ Dark brown hair, red glasses, green jacket... _

_ “April?” _

_ After discerning the identity of the lady- April- he absorbed the numerous scars all over her mostly covered skin. More disturbingly, Leo noticed that her left thigh felt... more hollow in a sense. The fabric fell too straight, unlike her other leg, the pants didn’t wrap around the limb like her right one did. Leo’s eyes trailed down to her feet, and he realised that the same left leg wasn’t made out of flesh and blood, instead, it was replaced with plastic and metal replica.  _

_ Maybe he should just assume everyone in the future is going to be amputee. _

_ “No way!” April gasped, “Leo?” _

_ April dropped the stack of paper she was holding onto the floor, the paper fluttered around them as it hit the floor, but it was ignored as Leo saw her taking shaky steps towards him. He rushed towards her as well as they collided in a tight and painful hug. Despite the pain he couldn’t find it in him to let go. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Paradoxically, the hug felt like a breath of needed fresh air, Mikey hadn’t reacted positively to his return. April’s hands were frantic over his shell and arms, he felt some moisture on his chest but didn’t comment on it. She pulled back to scan him for any injuries, making another pat down.  _

_ “You look so young…” She wondered aloud, “Where have you been all these years?” _

_ “Yeah, funny story about that?” Mikey cut in, “Apparently he doesn’t know anything about the past 30 years. Either he time traveled or he’s a foot soldier, but seeing how clueless he is about the war, we can probably say the former.” _

_ April looked over his shoulder to address Mikey, “Is that even possible? I thought Leo’s sword only manipulates the space between two places or something like that, not like Don ever got the time to dissect its properties.” _

_ “I don’t know man, like I said, one moment I was in the Hidden Abyss the next moment I’m at the lair, except it’s all messed up. Why would I know anything about my portals or any other mystic bull-” He cut himself short, his explanation wasn’t exactly relevant either. _

_ “So what’s up with this place anyway, what happened to New York?” _

_ “Everyone in this base, they’re what's left of New York.” _

_ “But- how would that even be possible?” It was impossible, there was no feasible way for the foot clan to execute all of New York, it would be too impractical, impossible even. _

_ “Big mama trapped all of New York city’s people in an orb” April lent down to pick up a piece of paper “the shredder got a hold of it and-” _

_ She crumpled the piece of paper in her hands before letting it drop to the floor. Unlike the paper ball she’d used for demonstration purposes, he imagined a piercing shattering of glass instead, hundreds and thousands of people, just gone. _

_ Their retelling just felt so unbelievable, yet he’d seen weirder things with mystic nonsense and Donnie’s science. It just couldn’t be possible, 8 million people stuffed into one orb and in a matter of seconds, a careless hand- that was all it took for all of those lives to be stolen. The looks of pity and regret on both April and Mikey’s faces didn’t help either as he tried to pretend that somehow, someway this was all just a sick joke, though neither would ever joke like this.  _ _  
  
_

_ More than 8 million lost their lives in a single moment, and so little survived. It couldn’t be possible- there was- there was no way. Even his own thoughts sounded like hysterical denial but he couldn’t help it- it was an impossibility,there was no way. _

_ No way… right? _

_ “So are you just gonna sit and stare for another 3 minutes or can we talk.” Mikey eventually cut in, raising an eyebrow at him. He shook off the worries he hadn’t yet voiced, Mikey was right, he knew next to nothing regarding the future, no thanks to Mikey’s secrecy.  _

_ “So what exactly have you told him Mike?” April asked, “We do need him to catch up to current affairs, get a good grasp on what exactly we’re facing?” _

_ “You can do that later, I got some work to do soon.”  _

_ “Right.” _

_ “No wait, before you do that could you at least tell me- Leo tried asking, but they easily droned over him as if he hadn’t said a word at all. _

_ “Yeah, you can go do that, anything suspicious to report?” _

_ “Just more foot soldiers but nothing out of the ordinary. I can still handle solo patrols if you’re worried, we can’t afford to waste more manpower on patrols.” _

_ “But! But what about the direct attacks on Shredder?” Leo raised his voice again, waving his hand between them. “Hello? You can hear me right? I’m right here.” _

_ “Yes, Leo.” April entertained. “But not now, we’re busy.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Please?” Leo pulled out his puppy eyes. “We could still defeat the Shredder! He must have a weakness somewhere, there’s gotta be something.” _

_ Mikey huffed. _

_ “We tried, Leo,” April replied more patiently, “We lost so many lives, it’s not just our battle anymore Leo.” _

_  
_ _ “But we might be able to pull it off!” The weight of the dead, it felt like it was resting on his shoulders as he argued with Mikey and April. The dead were dead, he thought, the dead were dead and they couldn’t haunt him. “And if we want to have any chance of winning then we need Donnie and Raph.” _ __  
  


_ “Are you serious? Leo are you eve-”  _

_ “Shush, Mike, we can give him a chance to talk, don’t worry about it, okay?” _

_ “Fine,” Mikey allowed despite how ridiculous it sounded to him, “Just- do they have to be in the same room? ‘Cause otherwise things might get ugly.” _

_ “Ugly?” Leo snorted, “You guys? Don’t kid with me, it can’t be that bad, right?” _

_ “They haven’t been face to face in almost a decade.” April groaned into her palm. _

_ “But you’ll do it right?” Leo begged again, “For me?” _

_ “Yes, Leo. We heard you the first time.” _

__

_ “We’ll schedule something with them tomorrow if possible, Raph and Casey are doing supplies, Karai says she’ll check whether they can come over.” April tapped the pencil against her lip. “I can contact Donnie, he should be about done with his research anyways.” _

_ “Who now?” Leo asked, registering two unknown names. _

_ “Oh yeah, you’ve never met her.” April mused, “I’m surprised she didn’t show herself earlier.” _

_ “Her?” He was still lost on the other person, whoever they were referring to anyways, it really wasn’t clear. _

_ “Only your long lost great great great grea- you know what? It’s too many great’s to remember, I’ll let her introduce herself.” _

_ He saw Mikey muttering something, and he couldn’t exactly make out what he said but Leo can swear that he said something along the lines of “oh he’s in for a real shock alright”. Before he could say anything or ask Mikey what exactly he meant, a pale jade aura surrounds April. The ghostly wisps manifested themselves to a more tangible state. _

_ A humanoid form eventually took shape, peering at him with warm, glowing eyes.  _

_ “It's nice to finally meet you.”  _

_ WHAT THE FU- _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyes like yours, don't wanna know about a past like mine


	5. If you close your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> first all We are really sorry for the long hiatus, school kind of messed with our schedule
> 
> please enjoy the newest chapter!
> 
> Tw mention of blood

It was their first time vigilante-ing together for a while. Raph was too cautious when allowing Mikey to join him even after he had recovered and gotten the all clear. Leo wasn’t too keen on joining them either, spending most of his time at home, it had taken all three of them to convince him to get out of the lair.   
  
It was good for him to get some fresh air, they had all agreed, plus it’d been a while since they’d hung out together. Nothing could go wrong, right?

There wasn’t much crime that night, the few thieves who were trying to break in were easily scared off by the shadows cast while they were trying to make their grand entrance. So when they spotted a robbery with ten or so guys, they jumped straight into battle, craving the thrill of action.

It was an unsaid rule that when there was little crime out, they could taunt and draw out their fights. Though their job was to fight crime, they couldn’t deny that it was fun to see the frustration build up as they dodged their blows. In those cases they’d lightly throw punches, focus more on evasion rather than attacking their weak spots, it was kind of a game to them, to see how long the criminals would last before they ran away or got knocked out.

Raph had gotten into the tempo of the battle, he could hear his brothers hollering and taunting behind him. It was good, nobody was injured, his brothers seemed to be having fun being the agents of chaos they were and they were stopping crime at the same time. He’d just thrown another jab at one of his two opponents, when he heard it:

The cry that bounced off the walls of the alleyway. 

Raph recognised that voice, but it had never been so pained, so guttural. For a moment the world stopped as he turned back to see the falling figure of his youngest brother, a knife jutting out of his plastron. 

Even the opponents froze for a moment, not expecting the scuffle to result in such a violent stabbing. That or the fact that they didn’t seem to be fighting humans, if the thud and crack from Mikey’s plastron had given that away. 

His head snapped back to his injured brother, about to call for Leo to tend to his wounds. But Leo was already on the case as he dashed over to Mikey’s side, quickly knocking out the lean man towering over Mikey, his sword clattering against the pavement as the man flopped like a ragdoll onto the floor. Donnie took a big step to his right, closing in the gap made by Leo’s absence. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his purple clad brother taking advantage of their opponents’ hesitation, using his bo staff to sweep them off their feet. Yet instead of immediately joining the swing of battle again, Raph continued staring at Leo’s frantic, shaky motions hovering over Mikey’s shaking form.

“ **Raph!** ” Donnie shouted, though they were barely a metre apart, his name felt so distant. He felt like he was a million miles away from conflict, trapped in his own little bubble while a battle continued to wage on. “A little help would be nice, don’t you think?”

The fight. Mikey getting injured. He couldn’t afford his other brothers getting hurt, could he?

Donnie's words snapped him back into action as he turned around, prepared for battle. He held onto his tonfas like a lifeline, so much so that his whole arm was shaking from how stiff his arm had become. He'd have to push aside his worry for now. Worry would make him distracted, worry meant he couldn't defend his brothers and Mikey while Leo was tending to him.

**Revenge** . His blood sung,  **Revenge, make them pay.**

He wasn’t scared of a few humans, they stood nothing against his true strength. They had to pay for what they did to his brother- to his family. 

“Leo!” Raph shouted as he threw a punch at the nearest thug charging at him, “get back to the lair!”

Raph and Donnie could handle the fighting, Leo could treat Mikey back at home. He’d never been so thankful for Leo’s portal-making odachi, allowing them easy transportation to away from danger. 

He didn’t hold back his punches like he did for any other battle, letting his full strength speak for itself. Donnie easily parried and weaved through them, effectively blocking their attacks and diverting their strength back towards them, but he lost the snarky remarks he’d add in as battle banter. Raph by contrast, fought with only his brute strength, making sure not to fatally injure them, instead targeting their arms, legs- the non-vital organs, such that they’d have to suffer the heavy blows before they retreated or passed out. Even in the dark alleyway, they could see the bruises blossoming under their skin from their attacks.

Needless to say, they went down quick, but they didn’t go down easy.

Yet, despite his instructions for Leo to return to the lair, he only heard the portal’s formation. Usually, there's an odd buzzing sound that'll resonate when anything passes through, it's source yet another one of those mysteries they'd never know. Instead, he can still hear Mikey's harsh panting starting to even out, though no less strained. It was hopefully a sign that his condition was getting better, and not that he was passing out.

Even still, they needed to get home, it wasn't safe for any of them to stay out, what with the possibility of their anonymity of being mutants being exposed.

"Leo! Get to the lair now!"

Raph doesn't risk glancing back, knowing he'd freeze if he saw Mikey's blood pooling on the ground. There was a battle and his brother's survival at stake. Raph wasn't taking any chances with them. 

Instead, he heard Leo take a hesitant step before stopping completely. The action, or rather, inaction, stuck in his mind even as he faced his battle head on.

  
With a heavy punch, he knocked out the last guy, leaving him to tumble unceremoniously to the ground. They stared at the fallen figures, making sure that they’d remain down before turning his attention back to their younger brothers.

Raph wasn’t quite sure what to expect when he did. Perhaps he had expected blood to pour out of Mikey’s wound, expected pain to be etched into the grimace of his youngest brother, maybe the panicked pacing of Leo as he tried to calm and think the situation through. 

What he saw was Leo standing stock still, his face blank and pale. Standing over Mikey, unblinking, even as Mikey’s face contorted in pain, his hands pushed against the ground in a futile attempt to get away from the pain, but the shell caught on the ground, causing him to stumble even more.

Raph saw red. 

He couldn’t understand Leo in the moment, he just stood there, motionless as Mikey was writhing in pain. It didn’t make any sense. Normally Leo would start pacing when he started to panic, if he was kneeling his hands would start to move up and down in a flapping motion. That or his hands would start reaching for his biceps as he unconsciously started to scratch at the scales. But he didn’t do any of the sort. He just stood, and continued to do nothing even when he was the only one capable enough to help Mikey in the moment.

“Leo!” Raph snapped. 

But he didn’t react. His eyes were distant, faraway and unseeing, his lips pursed as if he was mulling over something. If Raph looked closer, he would be able to see the faint tremble in Leo’s body, but still high-strung from the adrenaline and the complicated emotions, the detail slipped by unnoticed.

Donnie glanced between the brothers, the tension was thick and suffocating. He didn’t want to be caught in between, he’d form his opinions later on, when they had time to spare. Mikey came first. He kneeled next to Mikey, taking his hand into his own, and giving it a tight squeeze. 

“We’re gonna move you now, mkay?”

Mikey nodded stiffly, still shaking as his body tried to cave in on itself and get away all at once.

He took off his battleshell, knowing that he couldn’t carry Mikey on his own, if he could wear the battleshell then a lot of weight could be displaced onto the machine instead of him. Donnie placed a hand on the back of Mikey’s shell to support him as he helped him sit up, but Mikey trembled even more, his muscles unwilling to cooperate with him.   
  


Donnie hesitated moving Mikey again as he let out a small whimper on their next attempt. Maybe it was best to go ahead and take the stretcher, but at the same time he didn't want to leave Mikey alone.

"Step aside, Don." Raph sighed, though it wobbled slightly from the frustration and anger still welling inside him. "I'll bring him back."

The scientist took a step back, watching silently as Raph gently picked up their brother in a bridal-style carry. He observed that Mikey continued to tremble even as he turned inwards towards Raph, a choked sob wracked his body as the tears started anew.

"Leo." Raph called.

No response again. Donnie looked to his twin but he was standing as still as a statue. He wasn't sure if Leo had blinked during the whole ordeal, and minutes had passed. He merely stood, staring at Raph's feet where Mikey once laid.

He strapped on his battleshell on the floor beside him, letting the familiar weight bring him a sense of safety knowing that he had an arsenal of weapons and gadgets to rely on if the thugs somehow got up again. 

His gaze met Raph's yet again, his righteous anger had mellowed out into concern for both Mikey and Leo. With a nod, Raph entered the portal into the medbay, leaving the twins alone.

"Leo?"

Donnie reached out to grab his hand, but stopped himself before they could make contact. He stepped into the thankfully not bloodied ground Leo was still staring at, telegraphing his movements clearly for Leo. Facing his palm upwards, he tried to signal to him that he wasn't a threat. 

It worked, miraculously, as Leo allowed him to take a step forwards into his space. Yet with the small distance between them, he still couldn't hear Leo's breaths. 

It was worrying, and that was putting it lightly.

"I'm going to touch you now." Donnie informs him. He follows through on the action despite the fact Leo was still in his catatonic state of unresponsiveness.

And it broke his heart to see his brother flinch so violently in response to a feather-light brush, but it worked. Leo blinked a few times, still lost, but at least some portion of reality was starting to settle back into him.

"...Mikey?"

Earlier his flinch was like a knife that was cruelly stabbed into his heart, but Leo's tiny whimper, had twisted it deeper. He wasn't by any means an emotional person, but he couldn't hold back the tears that started to well in the corner of his eyes.

Leo was never like this before. When they'd get injured he'd be the Mom Friend, scolding them for being clumsy and nagging at them to avoid getting injured again. The same would apply when they were in battle, sparring- the aim was to never get hurt. Perhaps it was because of the severity of the injury Mikey was suffering, but Donnie knew that Mikey wasn't bleeding, that the blade didn't manage to penetrate his skin. And that was good because for as much pain that Mikey was in right then, his life wasn't in danger.

"No 'Nardo, it's me, Don, your favourite brother?" He tried to joke even when he knew Leo wouldn't react to it. Instead Leo's arms stiffen for a moment, how he did when he was already stiff as a board before that would be unknown to him, but the tremors that wracked his body became much more prominent. It was worrisome that Leo himself didn't seem to notice the change, or at least, didn't seem to care.

"We're going home, that's alright yeah?"

Leo shook his head minutely, but Donnie turned a blind eye to the action; they had to get home, even if Leo didn't want to. It wasn't safe to remain on the surface, and they needed the reassurance that all of them were alright- or in this case: alive.

He tugged at Leo's wrist, prompting Leo to move, though it still took a moment for him to follow.

"C'mon, back home, chop-chop." Donnie urged, but was softer compared to how he would have said it in any other situation. He guided Leo towards the portal and stepped through to the other side.

Raph had already laid Mikey onto the cot, he was dragging and hauling the IV and medical equipment in the tray towards Mikey. Donnie was pretty sure that they wouldn't need any of them seeing as there wasn't really anything Leo, or Donnie now, had to operate on. Unfortunately the lasting scar would remain as plastrons couldn't exactly heal like normal flesh and blood. Still, just knowing that Mikey was in the presence of the now unsterilised operating equipment gave him a sort of comfort that they would be ready for the worst.

But Donnie could tell the anxiety Raph felt didn't ease up at all, but there wasn't too much they could do either, right?

The portal's buzzing had finally come to a stop as Leo fully materialised next to him.

From the way Leo's head hung on his gangly frame, his eyes refusing to look up, one might assume that Leo felt regret, but Donnie knew that Leo was too far gone to even begin registering any emotions. He was a blank slate; none of his boisterous, flamboyant behaviour, his twitchy movements or the endless word vomit he'd spout when he was under pressure. He used to tune out the mindless chatter, just another background noise in his room, though this time it wasn't the whirring of machines running or the drilling and cutting of metal. Normally he'd idly nod and agree to whatever Leo was saying until a particularly interesting topic popped up in his rambling, but otherwise he'd continue to focus on his projects. 

He'd never thought he'd miss the sound of Leo's voice, especially when he barely paid any mind to it before. But now in the clamouring silence, he couldn't help the pangs of longing he felt.

He wasn't like this before. If Donnie could narrow it down to one particular event, it would most definitely be the moment in the Hidden Abyss.

When he disappeared and didn’t return, leaving Mikey in need of medical attention he couldn’t get, just like in the present, the thought was bitter, but it was evident now that Leo had also gone through an especially rough patch. It was frustrating that he'd never give them proper answers to their concerns.

But no. It wasn't the time to get angry at Leo or Raph for snapping at his shell-shocked twin. Mikey was alright, yes, but he shouldn't add to the heightened emotions already present. Between Mikey's agony, Raph's thirst for revenge and especially Leo's unresponsive state, there needed to be someone who could function at their optimal effectiveness, which as per usual, was him.

He could have a "pleasant" chat with Leo afterwards regarding his actions in and outside of battle. Because as much as he might pretend, he wasn't oblivious to Leo's "off days" for lack of a better term, he’d let it past him before because it didn’t affect his performance and even he needed his down time, he thought it might have been able to help him cope with… whatever he was dealing with. After tonight's events however, Leo would have to try better than that before he let that slip past him

He pulled on Leo's wrist again as he tried to get him to sit down. Leo stumbled on nothing as he walked, with his eyes downcast, he didn't seem to notice Mikey or Raph just metres away from his path. Once the back of his knees touched the side of the spare cot, he automatically sat down when Leo tapped lightly onto his shoulder.

"I'll be right back," Donnie informs him, "I need to get some painkillers and water, you're good alone for a bit right?"

Leo gave a tiny jerk of his head that came moments after he asked. 

In times when Leo was deemed out of commission, he, being the second most well-versed in first-aid, had to step in. He couldn't let his hesitancy to leave Leo alone cause Mikey more pain when he had the means to numb it.

Besides, the truth would come out eventually 

If his brother was so adamant to hold onto his secrecy indefinitely, it was because he feared the consequences of the truth more.

**\----**

It was ironic how Leo’s spacious sanctuary could feel so cluttered and suffocating.   
  
Part of him wanted to chalk it up to the air in the sewers being more stagnant and humid, but even if he hadn’t assisted Donnie in installing the ventilation system, he knew that the problem wasn’t really in the air. The oppressive feeling in the room was all him.   
  
To be honest, Leo didn’t exactly know when he’d wound up back into his room, everything up to that point had been a blur. He hadn’t had the slightest clue how long it’d been since he was outside fighting crime in the cover of the night, since Mikey had gotten hurt.    
  
Mikey had gotten hurt.

It was all his brain could loop back to. Mikey’s injury would scar over, it was a knife to his plastron, a jagged scar forever etched into Mikey’s body.    
  
And sure, if it was just a usual scar like a shallow scratch or a cut to his arms or legs, he could have chalked it up to unfortunate circumstances, because nothing could really prevent those sorts of injuries even with the utmost caution. But the other Mikey had a scar just like that one.

It was in the same place, at the same exact length. 

There was no way that that could have been a mere coincidence.

His Mikey wasn’t supposed to have that, his Mikey shouldn’t have been injured in the first place. He thought that his presence back home, in his present, should have prevented whatever horrible future he’d seen. But now with Mikey’s scar…

Had he really changed anything?

The thought made his breaths pick up. His throat was dry and the hint of bile started to burn in the back of his throat. He swallowed the storm back into his stomach.

  
How long was it before he’d vanish again then? He’d thought his venture into the future had been the inciting incident, but what if that future, that cursed future was always destined to happen again?

He hadn’t asked what year he’d stepped into, it could have been 30 years from when he was twenty-four for all he knows, who’s to say that he disappeared only once? He should have asked when he had the chance, now he was back with no idea how any of that had happened. He should have known better and asked more, how could he have been so stupid?

...Like he should have expected anything better from himself, all he ever did was commit one stupid mistake after another.

Would they ever be safe? 

  
Would they ever  **feel** safe?

He sat up

Maybe it wasn't too late

Desperation clawed within him, he needed to prevent it- for the safety of himself and his family- he had to prevent that wretched future. 

If he actively sought to avoid the actions that lead to a broken future, he could save his family from their fates. A second chance to guide them down another road before they were sent tumbling into despair and a hopeless future. 

A gentle nudge in the right direction, out of the way of the oncoming semi truck

What other choice did he have?

**\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

_ If this were any other week, the revelation that ghosts are actually real would have been the most surreal thing in the world.  _

_ But you know what? It wasn’t the most outlandish idea he’d heard. Time traveling to the future, the looming threat of war and secrecy? Ghosts paled in comparison to what he’d seen this past day and half. Besides, that was fine, this was fine, everything was fine.  _

_ He knew he was starting to sound a bit too hysterical even to his own ears, especially after he’d made it his life’s motto the whole of yesterday, but he couldn’t help it. Everything was fine, he could deal with it. _

_...Except for his chair, it was way too wobbly and ticking him off. Mikey had glared at him for tilting his weight on the uneven legs but he couldn’t help it.  _

_ “So uhhh, where even is the Shredder anyway?” Leo asked flippantly, hoping he wasn’t interrupting a conversation between them. _

_ Instead of a straight answer, he got a tired sigh. “His base is in the hidden city.” _

_ Oh.  _

_ “...Did- did anyone else make it out?” He got out eventually, the words were stuck in his throat like gravel, but he knew he needed a definite answer. _

_ Leo couldn't tell if the mix of emotions on their faces were more relieved that he was finally catching onto the severity and terror of the Shredder's reign, or bitter of the solemn reminder of everything they'd lost, perhaps everything they would lose in the future too. _

_ “A small part of the population,” April confirmed, her gaze was cast to the floor, not looking at his face. Leo supposed it was better that way, so he can continue lying to himself, even though he knows from the tone of April’s voice that it was an objective fact. “We haven’t seen a yokai out there in years, as far as we know, the ones in the resistance are the only ones left.” _ _  
  
_

_ He knew that implied that there were other resistance camps fighting for their lives, hopefully harbouring their own set of yokai.He remembered the high urban density of the hidden city, as advertised in the tourist posters, but even still, it couldn’t have been more than a few hundred thousand. The small fraction of the population left couldn’t have amounted to much.  _

_ He wasn't blind to massacres, he’d read about the genocides of the past and even the present, of their uncountable casualties, but it always felt so distant, so far away. He didn’t have to live through those experiences, he didn’t think about the civil wars and terror while he was in the comfort of his own home. Even when he invested himself in the occasional read of the victims of war, it was so easy to pull himself out of the world, to say “It wouldn’t happen now,” or “It wouldn’t happen to him”. But now the reality and consequences of the mass killings had truly hit, he hated that it had to literally come to his backyard to take his mind out of the fog of ignorance. _

_ “Is there like, I don’t know, a rough estimate? Of how many yokai there are?” Leo tried to regain his composure. It fell flat. _

_ “In hundreds at most, give or take a few.” _

_ Leo let out a long, agonizing sigh. His hand came up to his face to rub his stinging eyes, they weren’t wet by any means, just… itchy.  _

_ “If the new Shredder is capable of.. this, how did you guys survive fighting him?” There must have been something right? It couldn’t have just been hiding and tunneling about. _

_ “Hamato nimpo.” Karai spoke up for the first time in the conversation. Mikey’s face soured at the name, but Leo was left mostly confused- what else was new.  _

_ “What now?” They had more family secrets? Leo prodded at his memory, he certainly didn’t remember Dad mentioning any of this. Then again, he didn't tell them much about their heritage or the hamato clan, just that they were a ninja clan and they would learn Ninjutsu as per tradition. _

_ “Hamato Ninpo. An ancient practice that has been passed down by generation after generation of the Hamato clan.” She began sagely, but Mikey held up a hand to interject into her exposition.  _

_ “No offence Karai, but it’s never been much help against the Shredder.” _

_ She sighed. _

_ “The issue is that it’s potential has been... limited.” She chose the last word carefully. “It’s fullest potential can only be unleashed when all parties have complete and utter faith in one another. It is a power derived from the hope of a collective.” _

_ “And what good has it served us?” Mikey muttered bitterly. “We believed in that once but even that didn’t work out. Remember when we were first starting out and we all believed that we had some way out of this mess? Remember then?” _

_ "Mike." April cut him off, “We’ve been over this. Besides,You can’t say it hasn’t saved our lives before.” _

_ "Fine I'll shut up." Mikey sulked, "doesn't mean I'm not right though." _

_ “So… how do you use it?” He asked the eldest after a long beat of silence. Leo gracefully moved past the awkward, building tension between the two. Well, about as graceful as an elephant was. _

_ “If you so wish, I can teach you how to tap into this energy.” She inclined her head politely, “But I have my other duties to attend to for the most part. Please inform me a few days prior so that I can make some time for you.” _

_ That sounded a bit rude but it did make sense. Rebellions do take a huge chunk of one’s schedule. But she looked a bit hopeful that there’d be someone new who would be able to harness her skills and it would be great if he could actually contribute, it wouldn’t hurt to try, would it? _

_ “Sure when are you free?” _

_ “If I remember correctly, I have some time off two days from now.” Karai nodded approvingly, “I look forward to our training.” _

_ Somehow Leo could tell that she was excited though her face was schooled into a serious expression. It scared him to think something so strenuous and tiring to him would seem like a well-deserved break for her.  _

_ “Yeah, don’t sweat it, I’ll pick it up in no time." _

_ ——— _

_ 900 cracks in the ceiling, a new record. _

_ He couldn’t sleep, but he knew he would get in trouble if he tried to sneak out of the room, there weren't any snacks that he could snag from the fridge, food was scarce and being rationed. He couldn’t sneak into the living room to watch or read more of Jupiter Jim anymore either, what with the television networks being down and the internet becoming a sort of surveillance network. Besides, going outside would mean seeing April or Mikey again, with how their interactions went yesterday and earlier today, it was clear he was an unwanted presence. They found him annoying, a nuisance that had yet to come to grips with the situation.  _

_ Apart from that, he was also a harsh reminder of their past, of all they’ve lost. Their home, Splinter- their Leo too, and when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, he knew that his presence reminded them of what they could have been before the world fell apart and their family along with it. _

_ 901, 902, 904- wait did he skip a number? He sighed, the number was getting too big for him to keep track of anyways. It was only a matter of time until he lost count. Instead, he rolled onto his side, recounting the plan that April and Mikey had briefed him on.  _

_ If all goes according to schedule Donnie and Raph should be here tomorrow. The April and Mikey of this place weren’t ones to exaggerate, so he was gonna need to prepare for that emotional shitstorm. _

_ He was probably the last person awake in the dormitory, aside from the two stationed at the doorway. Though judging by the “incident” last night, any sudden noise would wake up the whole base. _

_ He pulled out his phone, now set on mute. _

_ 4:00 am _

_ They had smashed his SIM card, unwilling to take any chances but had allowed him to keep the now untraceable phone. It was going to lose battery soon, he had argued, it wasn’t like they had a charging port here anyways. _

_ The 65% loomed heavy above the out-of-sync time and date, if he just glued himself to his screen he could pretend it was still 2019 and not… whatever year he was in right now. _

_ His gut told him to switch off his phone and return to his staring contest with the ceiling, to save what little of his battery he had while he could. _

_ But he found his finger hovering over the photo library app. _

_ He tapped on his favorites folder first, unlike most people who had clear smiling pictures of their family and friends, his was filled with memes and blurry images instead. GIFs of small reactions he’d send to the group chat instead of using emojis, Donnie always complained about how much storage space and data he’d use when he sent them. Leo and Mikey would spend ages looking for the dumbest freeze-frame blurs, he fondly remembered their first time attempting to vlog before that responsibility was taken up by Donnie himself.  _

_ Nostalgia for what felt like last Tuesday was an unfamiliar feeling. But the longing was a steady hand leading him away from the gnawing anxiety that had been festering, tearing the insides of his stomach and throat. _

_ He looked back on those shitty images all the time, he remembered the family nights when the Internet was down and they’d end up putting up a slideshow of images onto the projector instead. It was cheesy, yes, but it was family tradition. _

_ That connection couldn’t be lost for good, right? They’d figure something out to compensate, they always did.  _

_ Maybe soon he wouldn’t have to rely on his phone as a window to a time not so out of reach. If that were so, maybe he could live with that. _

_ 59%  _

_ It was still more than half his battery capacity… but he should still be careful about his phone usage. God knows his phone malfunctions and drains too quickly sometimes. _

_ He switched his phone off, letting the darkness of the room envelop him like a warm blanket, feeling a bit more at home. _

_ —— _

_ If it was daylight when Leo awoke, he couldn’t tell. The room was as dark as when he went to sleep, the only difference was that the other thinly padded sleeping bags were empty. _

_ He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, making his way through base with his slouched shoulders. It seemed like Draxum's talking shoulder pads were in charge of handing out rations today, it figures that they’d be one of the ones to survive this long. _

_ “Is this Breakfast or Lunch?” He reached for the granola bar as they flew past. _ __

_ “Brunch.” _

_ He shrugged, it made no difference to him, in the process, he almost forgot to take off the wrapper before shoving the bar in his mouth. He wandered through the next few rooms gnawing away at his brunch before finally finding April. _

_ She was talking to another woman who dressed in a leather jacket and of all things, a crossbone-patterned bandana wrapped around the lower half of her face. One side of her face was covered with burn scars and her eye was slightly unfocused, glossed over with a white sheen. _

_ Pretty much exactly what Leo expected in an apocalypse  _

_ “Are Raph and Donnie here yet?” He spoke up, interrupting whatever conversation was occurring. It was too early to care anyways. _

_ “Raphael and I just arrived.” The mystery woman spoke, her scratchy voice was familiar in a way but then again a lot of voices sound the same. _

_ April must have seen the confusion on his face when the stranger responded. “Oh, you haven’t been introduced. Leo, this is Casey. Casey, Leo.” _

_ "Oh,” she drew out the sound, “I knew there were four turtles, you sure picked a good time to take a vacation, eh?” _

_ He must have been missing something, right? Why was this woman speaking like she knew him? They’d only been doing vigilante business for a year or so too, they didn’t meet many humans during their stakeouts. And even before then, during their little disguised excursions, it's not like they made an impression on anyone, that kinda defeats the point of being a ninja  _

_ “Do I- " He corrected himself, "Did I know you?” _

_ The woman rolled her eyes. “Try and take a guess.” _

_ He took in her appearance, the cogs in his brain rusted over. There was something about her dark clothing style and tomboy-ish looks that screamed familiarity to her. _

_ … _

_ What. But then again, he didn’t know anyone else who fit the look so…  _

_ “Foot recruit?!” _

_ “Got it in one.” Her words were dripping with unenthusiasm. “Anyways as I was sayi-” _

_ “Wait but- but.” Leo gestured vaguely towards the woman. “Then why aren’t you, ya know, on the other team?” _

_ She scoffed. “I haven’t been a foot soldier since longer than you’ve been alive, I mean presuming you aren’t just young looking for your age.’  _

_ “No, I don’t think I aged at all.” His voice was still high and squeaky from the disbelief. _

_ “Yeah, so I was saying, you picked a great time to go MIA.”  _

_ "Tell me something I don't know." As if by some divine mercy, his brain managed to recall and process her earlier words. "Wait, Raph’s here?" _

_ “Yeah.” Casey and April shared a look, a grimace forming on both their features. It was as if a whole entire conversation was taking place in a few twitches of their eyebrows, a sort of language that he could guess, but not really understand.  _

_ "Look,” April started, "You have to understand, he's been through.. alot.” _

_ He could feel the chasm in his gut start to open up again. He knew the tone that April was taking, the one where she treated him like a child, where the concept of pain was years beyond him.  _

_ "He's been blind for about... 20 years now.” April told him, if she noticed the sharp intake of air he took, she didn't say anything. _

_ “He’s not…” Casey finished for her. “He won't be the person you remember.” _

_ "You say that as if you're like how I remember you to be." His gaze turned to Casey, "You especially." _

_ "Look, I know this must be hard for you, we're not saying that we haven't changed either." _

_ A gust of air left his lungs as if it'd been forced out of him. They paused at the sound. "No, just.. go on, continue, I don't mind." _

_ No this was fine, life was fine, everything was fine! He’d come to expect this, he already expected this to happen. Death, prosthetics, blindness was just another cherry on top. _

_ “Leo…” April whispered. _ __  
_  
_ __ His cheeks hurt from the different muscle sets tugging at his mouth. Though it hurt, he tried to force it into a smile, he wasn’t sad, no, not at all. Not at all.

_ Casey and April looked to each other again. Their looks of soft understanding became ones of deep-seated concern. He didn’t need their pity, he was fine, there was nothing about him that needed to be pitied. It was an every day fact for them, it shouldn’t- isn’t affecting him in the slightest. _

_ They seemed to notice something in the distance, suddenly diverting their attention past him. It was straining to register reality but he managed, shouting could be heard in the other room. It kept increasing in volume and vitriol with every passing second. _

_ “Looks like Don finally got here.” April said glumly. He chose not to think about the implications of that tone. _

_ Time to rip off the bandaid. Leo sucked in a long breath, trying his hardest to regain control of his expression and composure. He was fine, he could do this. _

_ “Let’s not keep them waiting.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like you've been here before?


End file.
